I’ve had enough: of mediocre, of slacking, of not caring, of barely surviving, of having given up, of resignation, of resentment, anger, bitterness and laziness.
For the past three years it’s been rough, difficult, sad and hopeless.
I say ENOUGH!
Short-ish backstory: Art wasn’t making much money for years but didn’t tell me. He exhausted our sizable savings, but didn’t tell me until it came to a crisis point and I had no choice but to go back to work. I never, ever, wanted to be a working mom until my kids were in school full time.
Now I had to be when my youngest was 7 months old and my oldest just 4.
It was difficult to find a job and when I did it was at a place that was a long commute and in a position I hate/am miserable at. But it pays well and has good benefits.
Art’s ADD and bi-polar gets worse as he’s aging and he forgets to take his medicine quite frequently. This leads to him sometimes really doing a bad job of caring for the kids in the mornings (I leave for work before they get up. He’s in charge from waking up to getting to school).
All of this added up to our marriage falling apart, him taking a low level job that works weekends/weekend nights, cutting down on family time, me building up resentment and sadness at missing my children growing up due to HIS mistakes.
I held resentment that HE messed up and I’M the one who has to “pay” in an awful job, only seeing my kids a few hours a day, being in financial ruin and close to foreclosure on our home multiple times, and being way behind on bills-thisclose to having things shut off.
I’ve felt stressed, overworked, overwhelmed with carrying it all (childcare costs, childcare responsibilities, supporting the family financially, doing all the cleaning, laundry, etc.).
I gave up. That is MY fault. Yes, his mistakes led to the situation but it was MY reaction TO the situation that I am done with.
Prior to all this I was a GOOD mom. I kept up with kids’ doctor and dentist check ups. I arranged playdates. I fed them healthy meals and snacks. I created educational and fun learning activities at home. My house was clean. I had patience and forgiveness seventy times seven.
But now I’ve skipped multiple doctor/dentist visits for the kids leading to Lexi having some cavities, the house is a disaster, the floors disgusting. I have little patience and find myself snapping more at the kids. Their meals and snacks have been terrible and unhealthy. I resort to “screen time” more and more rather than creative activities.
This is not me. This is not who I was nor who I want to be.
I don’t know how to come back from this. I don’t know how to regain me. I don’t know where to start except to fall on the mercy of the One who knows me and plans my days.
I don’t know what my next step will be but I know that next step is now.